My problem with protein bars is that every single one that I have tried tasted like, I assume, expired off-the-rack cow dung. I hear they help with muscle building after exercise, so I sometimes chew on one after running or cycling, and soon after my mouth inevitably tastes like garbage…

So yesterday I went to the local GNC, passively tolerated all the “hey brahs” of the store’s Chad Feldheimer and came home with a handful of their high-protein candy bars, limiting my choice to the low-calorie and low-sugar types, as I’m not looking to bulk up any time soon.

Starting today, I will try one new bar a day and rate each on the basis of savor, aftertaste/vomit inducibility and hunger satisfaction/appetite suppressness^*.

For week two, I went to the Vitamin Shoppe and with the help of the lovely associate #035633 (I forgot her human name), I selected a new assortment of delectable protein bars to review…